


Westeros Second

by lordhellebore



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Amazing, Crack, F/M, Humour, Inspired By Tumblr, Sad, Spoof, The Author Regrets Nothing, america first, bad, every second counts, it's true, terrible
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-11
Updated: 2017-02-11
Packaged: 2018-09-23 14:47:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9662003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordhellebore/pseuds/lordhellebore
Summary: We know it's got to be America first. But can we just say, "Westeros second"?





	

**Author's Note:**

> There are many great videos around introducing various countries to our Dear Leader . . . er, the President of the United States, but Westeros hasn't one yet. Since writing is more my thing than vidding, have a fic. (Thanks a lot to janie_tangerine for helping me out - the Brienne part is almost all hers ;)

Dear Mr. President,

this is a message from the government - er, sorry, absolute monarchy of Westeros. Or - well … not really, there’s some confusion right now. About who’s actually ruling, not about the part where it’s a monarchy, but … oh, never mind.

Westeros is a great country, it’s true. It’s made up of seven kingdoms under one king – like the United States have 50 states under one CEO … er, sorry, one President.

This is the late king, his name was Robert Baratheon.

Great guy. Great ruler. Killed his enemies with a huge hammer. None of this silly stuff like asking the UN for permission, he just went and smashed them. Amazing. He was a lot like you, in fact. His predecessor Aerys Targaryen was crazy. Just crazy. Led the country to ruin, like Barack Obama did with the US. And just like Barack Obama wasn’t even a real American, he wasn’t even a real Westerosi. Sure, he was born here, but what does that matter, really? He was looking all weird, not like normal Westerosi, and his ancestors were immigrants, can you believe it? Wouldn’t even show his birth certificate. Total loser.

Anyway, Robert took care of that. He really was a great king – you’d have liked each other. He liked to go on hunts much better than he liked ruling, just like you like to golf much better than governing. And his wife, Cersei Lannister … We heard you like pussy, well, she’s the greatest pussy you could imagine – Lannisters are lions, after all.

Sadly, he died, and now Westeros has a lot of kings. We’re not united anymore like you are. Bad. This is why you’re first.

Back to more savoury subjects though: the pussy that Robert married. She’s beautiful, and she loved being with him just as much as Melania loves being with you. They have the same kind of smile. 

Okay, she cheated on him with her brother. Sad. But well, we know you'll understand – she was so beautiful, he totally had to date her. And incest really isn’t that bad, is it? There’s this guy named Craster – he’s a Wildling, and Wildlings are usually bad, we’ll be coming to that later. But he’s an exception because we do important business with him, like you do important business with Saudi Arabia and therefore made an exception for them in your Muslim ban. Anyway, Craster. You’d like him, really you would. But careful, don’t try grabbing his daughters by the pussy. Remember how you said if Ivanka weren’t your daughter, maybe you’d be dating her? Craster would understand completely. He married his daughters, you see. All of them. He didn’t even wait, just married them, it’s true. You’re kindred spirits. Come to think of it, you’d also really like Walder Frey. He’s approximately 9000 years old and has had a lot of wives in his life, even more than you did so far. He’s amazing. And if one wife dies, well, he’ll grab another. You three should meet, you’d be BFFs for sure.

Just like you do, we in Westeros communicate via bird. Ours are ravens, and just like with twitter, you can’t send long messages with them. They’re also not quite as fast as yours – we don’t yet have internet here. Maybe you could bring it to us. Open some factories, that kind of thing.

Just don’t employ Wildlings – they’re bad, as we mentioned before. They’re like Mexicans, really. Trying to come to Westeros illegally, raping and plundering and taking our things – terrible. And White Walkers, they’re even worse. They don’t even want our stuff, they just want to kill us. They’re terrorists, it’s true.

That’s why, 8000 years ago, we implemented a ban on White Walkers and Wildlings alike. Built a great wall of ice up in the North so they couldn’t get through anymore. It’s the greatest wall ever, it’s true, and we made the Northerners pay for it.

And it worked! No White Walkers in 8000 years – most people don’t even believe they exist any longer. Just imagine: the US, a country where people don’t even believe in the existence of Muslims because nobody has seen one in generations. Amazing! So, we totally support you building your wall, and if you have any questions about that, just ask – we’d love to help.

Speaking of isolationist tendencies, there’s this guy, Balon Greyjoy. He’s the Lord of the Iron Islands and lives on an island called Pyke. We totally should make you meet. He wanted to make his islands great again, so he tried to exit the kingdom, like Great Britain exited the EU. You loved Brexit, so you’ll love Pykexit too – you can [read all about it here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7275835/chapters/16521745). (It’s amazing!)

But to come back to the Wall: watch out for bleeding heart lefties undermining your great efforts. We had this guy, Jon Snow. Terrible guy. Loser. Traitor. Sadly, it’s true. He was the so-called Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, our border patrol at the Wall. He was a great fan of sanctuary states. Tried to turn the whole North into a sanctuary state like they want to do with California. Bad. Undocumented Wildlings everywhere.

But we made sure he couldn’t do it and killed him first to make the Wall great again. Amazing. Some say the wildlings did get in before he was killed, and that he came back to life via magic, but that’s fake news. Totally fake. Magic doesn’t even exist. It’s all alternative facts. Did we say he was a total loser? He was. (He even thought his girlfriends should actually enjoy having sex. What a loser. Would eat a girl out first thing. Definitely wouldn’t have grabbed her by the pussy. Pathetic.)  
While we’re at the subject of pathetic characters: sadly, there’s one family here we really aren’t proud of. The former Wardens of the North, the Starks. Terrible people, it’s true. They’re environmentalists of the worst kind, would get along great with the climate change hoaxers. They wouldn’t kill giant wolves because of preservation reasons and instead made them their pets. They even pray to trees. Crazy. 

And they don’t mock disabled people – they employ them like everyone else. No sense of humour at all. Especially Ned Stark. He was married to the best kind of pussy – she was even named like one – and instead of grabbing her and letting her know how things work, he let her go around having opinions and even took her advice. Maybe he was more of a pussy than she was. Total loser that one. Too stupid for politics, and couldn’t grab Cersei Lannister by the pussy either, even when it would have saved his life. Sad. He’s also Jon Snow’s father – you see where that one got it from. Anyway, we dealt with them, they’re all dead or imprisoned. (No, Catelyn didn’t come back to life – that’s an alternative fact as well.)

Now we’ve got a new Warden of the North: Ramsay Bolton. He’s a tough guy like you, it’s true. You’d like him. He loves torture, just like you do, and he wants to make people happy, like you do. He doesn’t even grab women by the pussy, he throws them to the dogs directly if they don’t agree. Amazing. You’re gonna love him, he’s the best.

If you really don’t like Westeros – which we can’t imagine, it’s great here – you can go to Essos. It’s full of orange sand, they love orange there, they’ll love you. We’d say go to Dorne, they also like that colour scheme, but there are too many brown people there. Bad. Also, it’s full of nasty women – they kill you when you try grabbing their pussy. Their pussies even grab back! Don’t go to Dorne, it’s dangerous there. Terrible!

On second thought, don’t go to Essos either. There’s too many brown people there as well. Plus, there’s Daenerys Targaryen. Nasty woman, can’t even run a government. Likes brown people way too much and thinks they should have rights, that stuff. 

Kind of like Angela Merkel. They even call her “misha” there, like they call Merkel “Mutti” in Germany. Ugh, women leaders. Pathetic. Good that the US avoided Hillary Clinton. (If Jon Snow were still alive he’d get along great with them all. Total loser. Shame. Shame. Shame.) 

If you need further proof as to how we deal with nasty women in places that aren’t Dorne (blergh, losers!) just look at her. 

Yes, she’s a woman. I know, I know, not hot at all. 1/10 - barely. Her name is Brienne. Total pain in the ass, wanted to do a man’s job and was even qualified for it! Crazy, I know. Anyway, she tried, but first everyone she swore herself to died, and then she almost got hanged by Catelyn stark - ah, wait. That was an alternative fact. Never happened. Fake news. Anyway, we’ve tried to convince her to go back to the kitchen and let someone grab her by the pussy already for a helluva long time, and that’s how we deal with all nasty women in most places here. Amazing. You’d love it. (Except for Dorne. Shameful, we know.)

We know it’s got to be America first, but can we just say „Westeros second“?

Best wishes – we’ve got _the_ best wishes. And the best Wall, it’s true.


End file.
